Why Are You As Fed Horses in the Morning: Every One Neighed After His Neighbour’s Wife? The Psychology of Unfaithfulness: Roots, Causes, and Impact

Unfaithfulness, or infidelity, has been a complex and deeply debated issue in human relationships for centuries. Its roots stretch far back into history, influencing personal relationships, societal norms, and religious beliefs. While modern psychology provides a more nuanced understanding of why people cheat, the issue remains a significant cause of emotional pain and destruction, often leading to the breakdown of marriages, families, and individual lives.

Roots and Causes of Infidelity

The reasons behind infidelity are multifaceted and often deeply personal. There are several psychological, emotional, and social factors that contribute to a person’s decision to cheat. These causes can range from individual insecurities and unmet emotional needs to cultural and societal influences.

1. Emotional or Physical Dissatisfaction

And the old, rusty bed finally fell silent, its rhythmic creak dying as he left her there—discarded like the damp towel tossed beside her. Both of them used, spent, forgotten. She could hear his footsteps retreating, each one pulling him farther from her, and still she didn’t look back. What was there left to see?

Tears slipped down her cheeks, silent and bitter. She felt hollow—used, dismissed, unseen, laid off, unappreciated, unloved, unheard, and untouched. He’d touched every inch of her skin, left no part unexplored, and yet… she’d never felt less touched in her life. Because where it mattered—deep beneath the skin, there within, inside, down deep where the heart is —he hadn’t reached her at all.

And in that moment, a tiny thought crept in—soft, uninvited, impossible to ignore. She couldn’t trace where it came from, but it rooted itself deep, searing into her heart. Johnny. Her colleague from the post office. Johnny, who always noticed the little things—how she stayed late to finish the ledger, how she double-checked the parcels without being asked. He was kind in the quiet way that mattered. He saw her. Respected her. Honored her as a woman, not just a body to be used and left behind.

And though she tried—truly tried—to cast the thought aside, to shake free from the warmth that name carried… she realized, with a fragile ache, that she didn’t really want to.

One of the most common reasons cited for infidelity is dissatisfaction within the current relationship. Emotional neglect, unmet intimacy needs, or a lack of physical attraction to a partner can create a desire to seek fulfillment elsewhere. Psychological studies suggest that individuals who feel neglected or unappreciated are more likely to engage in infidelity as a way to seek validation or attention.

2. Opportunity and Temptation

She was drunk and laughing too loud, like one of those bargain-store Santas you see in December—cheap, jolly, and just a little broken around the edges. The cheap beer worked its magic, loosening her tongue and the edges of her restraint. Normally, Sandy wasn’t the life of the party, but tonight, she was glowing with a reckless kind of confidence.

She drifted closer to Jimmy, her hand finding his shoulder, her breath brushing against his ear as she whispered something that made him blush—half from the beer, half from her boldness. The others had already gone to bed, leaving the two of them alone by the dying bonfire. The night was warm, thick with smoke and unspoken things.

Sandy leaned into him, her head tipping toward the stars as she murmured something about everyone having their own in the sky. Her voice was soft, almost wistful, and Jimmy tried not to notice how her shoulder fit against his. He stared down at his hands, at the faint gleam of the ring on his finger. He thought of his wife—of her patience, her quiet love—and still, he slid the band off, slow and deliberate, tucking it into his pocket like that single motion could erase a vow.

Lust throbbed through his veins, raw and urgent, drowning out the whisper of conscience and he heard the silent night to wisper one word: ” An opportunity Jimmy, opportunity”. And as Sandy turned to him, eyes bright and willing, he didn’t think about tomorrow and the look in his wife’s eyes next morning. He just reached for Sandy—and let the night take him.

Sometimes infidelity occurs simply because the opportunity presents itself. This is particularly evident in cultures or environments where extramarital relationships are normalized or encouraged. Research in evolutionary psychology suggests that men, in particular, may be more likely to cheat when given the opportunity, as a way to maximize their reproductive success. Women, however, may engage in infidelity for emotional reasons rather than purely physical ones.

3. Low Self-Esteem

She’d been with five different men in five nights. Five strangers whose names blurred together by morning. It wasn’t new—this was the rhythm her life had fallen into ever since she’d said I do. Her husband was gone for the week, another business trip, another empty house. And in that silence, the need always came crawling back.

It wasn’t just about the touch—the heat of skin on skin. It was about being wanted. About seeing hunger in someone’s eyes and knowing it was for her. Because somewhere along the way, she’d stopped believing she was enough. So she chased it—attention, validation, desire—anything that could make her feel seen. For a few hours, in the dark, she could almost convince herself she was beautiful again. Desired. Chosen. And God, that illusion was the only thing she wanted more than the men themselves.

People with low self-esteem or a fragile sense of self-worth may cheat as a means of affirming their desirability or worth. An affair can provide a temporary boost to one’s ego, offering attention, admiration, and a sense of validation that may be missing from the primary relationship.

4. Lack of Commitment

In some cases, people may cheat because they have not fully committed to their relationship or may not view their partner as “the one.” This lack of commitment can arise from uncertainty, fear of intimacy, or the belief that there is something better out there.

5. Psychological Disorders

Certain psychological disorders, such as narcissism or borderline personality disorder, can lead individuals to engage in infidelity. Narcissistic individuals, for instance, may see others as objects to be used for their gratification, while those with borderline personality disorder may struggle with emotional regulation and impulsive behaviors, leading to infidelity as a form of emotional escape.

Historical Perspective: Infidelity as Sin to Social Acceptance

For much of history, infidelity was viewed as a serious moral failing. Religious and cultural norms condemned it as a sin, and those who strayed from their marriage vows were often ostracized or punished. In Christianity, the Bible speaks strongly against adultery, with passages such as the seventh commandment: “Thou shalt not commit adultery” (Exodus 20:14). In the New Testament, Jesus is famously seen confronting an adulterous woman, showing both compassion and condemnation (John 8:1-11), signaling a call to repentance, yet also illustrating a deeper understanding of human weakness and the potential for forgiveness.

From Moral Condemnation to Social Acceptance

In the 20th and 21st centuries, attitudes toward infidelity began to shift dramatically. The rise of individualism, feminism, and changing gender roles altered the landscape of relationships. Societies became more tolerant of extramarital affairs, especially in urban settings where anonymity and temptation were more prevalent. The explosion of online dating and social media, often seen as a catalyst for modern infidelity, further normalized the concept of seeking new relationships or partners outside one’s marriage.

Psychologists, sociologists, and even some relationship experts have explored infidelity as a complex issue rather than simply a moral failing. In the modern era, it has often been framed not as an act of pure betrayal but as a symptom of deeper relational problems. Popular culture, too, has helped shift this perspective, with books, movies, and TV shows portraying cheating not only as a destructive act but also as a source of drama and emotional conflict.

The Destructive Effects of Infidelity on Family, Marriage, and Children

While infidelity may be normalized or even glamorized in some circles, the devastating impact it can have on families, marriages, and children cannot be overlooked. The consequences of unfaithfulness often go far beyond the relationship between the two individuals involved.

1. Family Breakdown

Infidelity often leads to broken families. When one partner is unfaithful, it can trigger a cascade of emotional reactions, including anger, sadness, distrust, and a breakdown in communication. For children, growing up in a home where infidelity is present can have profound effects on their emotional and psychological well-being. Studies have shown that children of parents who have experienced infidelity may struggle with attachment issues, low self-esteem, and difficulty forming stable relationships later in life.

2. The Impact on Marriage

Infidelity can deeply erode the foundation of a marriage. Trust, once broken, is difficult to rebuild, and even couples who choose to work through the aftermath of an affair often struggle with lingering feelings of resentment, betrayal, and insecurity. For many, the emotional scars from infidelity are never fully healed.

3. The Psychological Toll

The psychological toll on both the betrayed and the betrayer can be immense. The betrayed spouse often experiences intense emotional distress, including feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, and emotional numbness. For the person who cheats, guilt, shame, and regret can lead to depression and anxiety.

Jesus and the Adulterous Woman: A Story of Compassion and Accountability

One of the most famous Biblical stories about adultery is the account of Jesus and the woman caught in adultery, found in the Gospel of John (John 8:1-11). The woman was brought before Jesus by the Pharisees, who wanted to stone her as the law required. Jesus, however, responded with compassion, saying, “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.” This moment of mercy, where Jesus acknowledged human fallibility and called for forgiveness, is one of the most poignant stories in Christian teachings about infidelity and sin.

However, Jesus also addressed the issue of sin with accountability. After the crowd dispersed, he told the woman, “Go, and sin no more.” This illustrates the delicate balance between mercy and accountability, a dynamic that many relationship therapists and counselors point to when discussing healing after infidelity.

Healing from Infidelity

Recovering from infidelity requires time, effort, and a willingness to engage in open and honest communication. Healing often involves:

1. Acknowledging the Pain: Both partners must confront the emotional pain caused by the infidelity.

2. Restoring Trust: Rebuilding trust is often the hardest part, and it requires transparency, consistency, and genuine remorse.

3. Forgiveness: Forgiving the betrayer, and sometimes forgiving oneself, is crucial for healing.

4. Therapy: Couples therapy or individual counseling can be instrumental in helping individuals understand the underlying issues and move toward healing.

Literature, Movies, and Pop Culture

Infidelity has long been a central theme in literature, film, and television, often serving as a catalyst for drama, conflict, and character development. Here are a few notable examples:

1. Literature

• Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy: Anna’s affair with Count Vronsky leads to her social ruin and emotional decline, exploring the devastating effects of infidelity on both the individual and society.

Anna Karenina is a tragic novel of infedility and about lost love, passion, and the constraints of society. It follows Anna, a beautiful and aristocratic woman in 19th-century Russia, who enters a passionate affair with the dashing officer Count Vronsky despite being married to the cold and distant Alexei Karenin. Her pursuit of love and freedom leads to her social downfall, isolation, and inner torment.

Parallel to Anna’s story runs that of Konstantin Levin, whose search for meaning, faith, and authentic happiness offers a philosophical counterpoint to Anna’s emotional destruction. Through these intertwined lives, Tolstoy explores themes of morality, fidelity, family, and the clash between personal desire and societal expectation.

• The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald: Tom Buchanan’s infidelity to Daisy and Gatsby’s unrequited love show how infidelity is intertwined with social status, desire, and illusion.

This novel about love, wealth, and the illusion of the American Dream in 1920s America tells the story of Jay Gatsby, a mysterious millionaire who throws lavish parties in hopes of rekindling his past romance with Daisy Buchanan, the woman he loves but who is now married to another man.

Told through the eyes of Gatsby’s neighbor, Nick Carraway, the novel explores themes of desire, corruption, and the emptiness hidden beneath glamour and excess. In the end, Gatsby’s dream—and his life—collapse, revealing the hollowness of a world obsessed with money, status, and unattainable ideals.

2. Movies

• Fatal Attraction (1987): This psychological thriller examines the dangerous consequences of a one-night affair, leading to obsession and violence.

It is a psychological thriller about obsession, infidelity, and the devastating consequences of a moment’s weakness. It follows Dan Gallagher (Michael Douglas), a married man who has a brief affair with Alex Forrest (Glenn Close), a woman who becomes dangerously obsessed with him after he tries to end the relationship.

What begins as a casual fling spirals into terror as Alex’s fixation turns violent, threatening Dan’s family and sanity. The film explores themes of temptation, guilt, and the destructive power of obsession, ultimately serving as a chilling warning about the price of betrayal and infidelity.

• The Bridges of Madison County (1995): A poignant film that explores a brief affair and the deep emotional turmoil it causes both parties involved.

The Bridges of Madison County (1995) is a romantic drama about love, choice, and sacrifice. It follows Francesca Johnson (Meryl Streep), an Italian war bride living a quiet life on an Iowa farm, whose world changes when photographer Robert Kincaid (Clint Eastwood) arrives to document the county’s historic bridges.

Over four days, they fall deeply in love—an unexpected, transformative connection that awakens a part of Francesca she thought long gone. But faced with the choice between passion and duty, she ultimately stays with her family. The film beautifully explores the fleeting nature of love and the quiet heartbreak of choosing responsibility over desire.

Ancient vs. Modern Psychology on Infidelity

In ancient cultures, infidelity was often seen as a betrayal of honor or social status. It was viewed through a moral lens, and the focus was on the external consequences—reputation, marriage contracts, and family alliances.

Modern psychology, however, views infidelity more through a relational and emotional lens. While acknowledging the destructive consequences, it also seeks to understand the underlying causes—such as attachment theory, emotional needs, and communication breakdowns. The rise of evolutionary psychology also points to biological and evolutionary factors, suggesting that infidelity may have been an adaptive strategy for some individuals.

Lastly

Infidelity, though a deeply painful and disruptive experience, is a complex phenomenon influenced by psychological, emotional, and societal factors. Whether viewed as a moral sin or a psychological issue, it has lasting effects on individuals, marriages, and families. Through the lens of literature, religion, and psychology, we gain insights into why people cheat and the destructive consequences that follow. Healing is possible, but it requires commitment, transparency, and often professional help. Ultimately, the journey toward recovery after infidelity is one of understanding, forgiveness, and personal growth.