Understanding Toxic Relationships: Psychology, History, and Healing
A toxic relationship is any interpersonal connection that consistently causes emotional, psychological, or sometimes physical harm. Unlike the normal ups and downs of relationships, toxic dynamics erode self-esteem, foster anxiety, and can hinder personal growth. Clinical psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula explains, “Toxic relationships are not just unpleasant—they can impact mental health, self-worth, and decision-making.”
Toxic. Not the kind that poisons the earth, but the kind that seeps quietly into your soul.
She sat there, voice trembling, eyes glassy with exhaustion. Her friend’s fingers wove gently through her hair—a small act of comfort against a storm she couldn’t escape.
“He’s so toxic,” she whispered, the words cracking as if they’d been trapped inside her for too long. “And I can’t leave him.” Then the tears came, sudden and unrestrained.
“He’s been gaslighting me so much that I don’t even know if it’s me—if I’m the problem.” Her breath hitched. “He never takes responsibility. It’s always my fault. Always.”
The silence between them felt heavy, thick with everything she’d lost. “He made me block my family,” she said, almost in disbelief, as if hearing it aloud might make it less real. “All my friends are gone. It’s just… him. Only him.”
Her friend kept stroking her hair, whispering softly, “You’re still here. And you still have you.”
But the girl only shook her head. Because when love turns toxic, sometimes you forget that you ever existed before it.
Top 10 Signs of a Toxic Relationship
Psychologists and modern relationship experts identify common toxic behaviors:
Constant Criticism – Belittling your thoughts, choices, or appearance consistently.
Gaslighting – Manipulating reality so you doubt your own memory, perception, or sanity.
Controlling Behavior – Dictating what you wear, who you see, or how you spend your time.
Blame-Shifting – Never accepting responsibility and making you feel at fault.
Emotional Neglect – Ignoring your feelings, dismissing needs, or refusing intimacy.
Jealousy and Possessiveness – Extreme envy or accusations, often without cause.
Isolation – Cutting you off from friends, family, or support networks.
Manipulation Through Guilt – Making you feel responsible for their happiness or moods.
Disrespect of Boundaries – Ignoring your limits, privacy, or personal space.
Volatility or Threats – Frequent anger outbursts, intimidation, or threats of abandonment
Lundy Bancroft, author of Why Does He Do That?, states: “Abusers are often skilled at charm early on; patterns of control emerge over time, eroding confidence and self-trust.”
Dr. Susan Forward, a prominent psychologist and author of Toxic Parents, explains, “Toxic relationships erode self-esteem, making you question your worth and sanity and…
Dr. Susan Forward
“Recognition Toxic Relationship
is the first step toward freedom.”
How to Spot a Toxic Relationship
Signs often start subtly but grow over time. Key indicators include:
Feeling anxious, drained, or fearful around your partner.
Frequent apologies, even when you haven’t done anything wrong.
Walking on eggshells to avoid conflict.
Loss of confidence or sense of self.
Consistently prioritizing their needs over your own.
Modern relationship writer Lundy Bancroft (Why Does He Do That?) notes, “Toxic people are skilled at charm early on; the real patterns emerge over months or years.”
Finding Strength to Leave
Leaving a toxic relationship is challenging but possible. Strategies include:
Recognize the Pattern – Accept that the behavior is harmful, not just a phase.
Seek Support – Friends, family, or support groups validate your feelings.
Plan Your Exit Safely – Especially important in cases of emotional or physical abuse.
Therapy and Counseling – A licensed therapist can provide coping tools and clarity.
Rebuild Self-Worth – Engage in activities that restore your confidence and joy.
Set Firm Boundaries – Communicate your limits clearly; be prepared to enforce them.
Dr. Ramani emphasizes, “Healing starts when you stop blaming yourself and start prioritizing your mental and emotional health.”
Healing After Leaving
Self-Reflection – Understand why you stayed and what you need moving forward.
Self-Compassion – Forgive yourself for mistakes or prolonged endurance.
Reconnect with Joy – Rebuild friendships, hobbies, and passions.
Learn Healthy Patterns – Recognize red flags early to avoid repeating cycles.
Modern writers such as Mark Manson (The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck) remind us, “Your time and energy are precious—protect them. Saying no to toxic people is saying yes to yourself.”
1. Which Field of Psychology Studies Relationship Problems?
The study of interpersonal relationships falls under relationship psychology, often overlapping with clinical psychology, social psychology, and couples therapy. Within these fields:
Social Psychology explores how people interact, influence, and perceive each other.
Clinical Psychology diagnoses and treats maladaptive patterns, including abuse, anxiety, and depression resulting from toxic relationships.
Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT) focuses on relational dynamics and improving communication, often through evidence-based interventions like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).
John Gottman, a renowned psychologist, authored The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, which studies destructive patterns such as criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt—key features of toxic relationships.
2. Methods Psychology Uses Today to Deal with Toxic Relationships
Modern psychology employs evidence-based interventions to support victims and improve relational health:
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) – Focuses on emotion regulation and coping strategies, particularly for intense relational conflict.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) – Works on attachment bonds and improving emotional responsiveness between partners.
Psychotherapy for Trauma – Addresses PTSD or trauma from abusive relationships.
Support Groups and Psychoeducation – Empower individuals to recognize toxic behaviors and develop healthy boundaries.
Dr. Susan Forward, in Toxic Parents, emphasizes: “Understanding the dynamics of manipulation and control is the first step toward reclaiming autonomy and emotional health.”
3. Historical Methods: Middle Ages Remedies for Love and Relationship Problems
Centuries ago, people tried to influence relationships and emotions using folk psychology, superstition, and rituals:
Omens and Astrology – Couples consulted stars and omens to predict compatibility.
Formulas and Incantations – Spells were used to attract or control love.
Potions and Love-Philtres – Herbal mixtures were believed to induce affection, loyalty, or sexual desire.
Charms and Talismans – Items were carried to ensure fidelity or emotional influence.
While lacking empirical support, these methods reflect humanity’s long-standing desire to understand and control complex emotions and attachment. They were precursors to modern psychology in the sense that people sought systematic ways to manage relational distress.
4. Comparison of Middle Ages Potions and Modern Psychopharmacology
Modern psychology sometimes incorporates psychopharmacology—using medications to alleviate mood, anxiety, or trauma-related symptoms:
SSRIs and SNRIs – Treat depression and anxiety often triggered or worsened by toxic relationships.
Anxiolytics – Short-term relief from panic or emotional overwhelm.
Mood Stabilizers – Help manage emotional volatility caused by relational stress.
While potions were symbolic and largely placebo-based, psychopharmacological drugs are biologically active and rigorously tested. Both approaches, however, share the goal of alleviating suffering, highlighting the timeless human need to regulate emotional states in the context of relationships.
5. How to Recognize and Leave a Toxic Relationship
Awareness – Accept the behaviors are harmful, not just minor issues.
Support Systems – Friends, family, or professional counselors validate experiences.
Therapeutic Guidance – Psychologists use CBT, DBT, and trauma-informed therapy to rebuild resilience.
Boundaries and Exit Planning – Strategically plan leaving to ensure safety.
Self-Compassion and Healing – Engage in hobbies, friendships, and self-growth.
Dr. Ramani Durvasula:
“Healing begins the moment
you prioritize your emotional health
over others’ manipulation.”
6. Key Books and Psychology References
John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work – on destructive patterns and communication.
Susan Forward, Toxic Parents – understanding manipulation and reclaiming autonomy.
Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? – modern analysis of abuse patterns.
Mark Manson, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck – emphasizes personal boundaries and energy management.
These resources blend research, case studies, and practical advice for navigating toxic dynamics.
What’s Next
Toxic relationships are a complex mix of psychological, emotional, and sometimes physical harm. Psychology provides modern tools—therapies and medications—to heal, whereas historical methods reflected humanity’s age-old attempts to control or influence love. Recognizing toxic patterns, seeking support, setting boundaries, and embracing self-compassion are vital steps toward recovery. As Mark Manson reminds us, “Your time and energy are precious—protect them. Saying no to toxic people is saying yes to yourself.”
